The role of religion in modern Jewish life varies from nonexistent to the basis of all we do. Regardless of our beliefs and practices throughout life, when faced with death many of us turn to religion or its practices, for guidance and support.

The Jewish way of burial is filled with practices grounded in religious beliefs and customs. It offers strength and guidance to the mourner, from the moment of death, through the 11-month mourning period and throughout the life of the survivor. The Jewish way of burial provides the mourner a prescribed manner in which he can mourn his loved one, yet gradually reintegrate back into society through the rituals of mourning and the support of the community.

The central theme in Judaism surrounding the death of an individual is Kavod Hamet, respect for the dead. Through this expression, we not only care for the deceased, but care for the living, the survivors. It is through this simple act of kindness and caring that the true benefits for those left behind are reaped. Death, although sometimes tragic, and terribly sad, is not morbid. It is a time to draw strength. It is a time when family comes together, when community draws near. It is a time when we reaffirm our faith in God and we sanctify the life he has given us. All these factors provide the framework or the healing of the mourners.

Just as the mourner will need to feel the support of the community after a death, the dying person should not feel alone as well. He should have someone with him while he is dying and a shomer (guard) should remain with him after death until the funeral. For his body was where his spirit lived, and the spirit of God's making and likeness. By showing our respect for the deceased, we are showing our respect for the living and for God.

It is at this point, the moment of death, where the mourner is faced with a multitude of tasks, both physical and psychological. The mourner, through his physical responsibilities of attending to the deceased, begins attending to the psychological healing process he must endure. Judaism, with its prescribed manner of dealing with death and mourning, has provided the means through which a mourner accomplishes the four tasks of mourning as set forth by the psychologist J. William Worden.

Accepting the reality of the loss, initially on an intellectual level and ultimately followed on an emotional level, is the first task. This is immediately addressed during aninut, the period from the time of death to the time of the burial. The mourner, or onen, is exempt, even prohibited from performing all religious obligations. He is obligated only to attend to the needs of the deceased. What could be more real than the actual care and preparation, the arrangement conference and the casket? And what could be more comforting than the knowledge that friends, or the chevra kadisha, are performing the Taharah (ritual washing).

A second task of mourning that intertwines with these obligations is that of experiencing the pain and grief of the loss. Although this is accomplished through aninut (the period of time of death to time of burial), it is a task that can be more painful during the healing process than at the onset. However, the stark reminders early on in the funeralization process represent to each mourner the difficulties they are facing and will face. From seeing the casket to filling the grave the pain becomes more intense. Yet there are many steps taken at this time that begin to serve as a healing process.

The mourner has taken care of the deceased as previously discussed. They have verbalized their loss, made arrangements, spoken with the Rabbi. They have watched others grieve with them, have been provided with a safe, secure place to grieve–the funeral home and cemetery. During the funeral service, the psalms read, the Hesped and the memorial prayer are all verbal reminders of the loss. In essence, the eulogy is designed to praise the deceased and his qualities, as well as express the grief and loss felt by the community. This must have a profound effect on the mourner.

Yet Judaism goes one step further and allows that the eulogy also be a time to talk of the meaning of life, so that the living may draw strength from it. The psalms and prayers are all verbal reminders of our continued faith in God, in his wisdom and his charity. All these factors contribute to accepting the reality and feeling the pain, the grief. During the interment service, the harsh sound of the earth on the casket or outer burial container serves as a shocking reminder to us of our pain. It is the moment of intense reality. I believe it is at this point where our intellect and emotion come together to realize the loss.

Yet Judaism does not allow this to be the final moment of public grief. On the contrary, once Kaddish has been recited, as the mourners leave the grave site, their first true sense of community support after the funeral is evident as those in attendance form two lines, uttering these words of comfort as the mourners pass through; "May the Holy one comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." At this time, the mourners have their first understanding that they are not alone in their despair, that others have grieved, do grieve and will continue to face grief. That the cycle of life continues and we must draw strength from it. This sense of not being alone is important to the healing process and Judaism recognizes that.

It is here that the next task of mourning fits so well in to the Jewish response to death, or rather, where Judaism, with its infinite compassion and foresight, provides the medium for these tasks to be worked through. Traditionally, Judaism involves the entire Jewish community in helping a mourner. This is of tremendous psychological significance, as the mourner is not alone, he has physical support from those around him during this time of sorrow and shock.

Adjusting to the environment from which the deceased is missing, the third task of mourning, may be one of the more difficult tasks facing a mourner. The Shiva period (mourning period) is precisely a time for this to take place. Shiva is divided into three sections. The first is day one, when the mourner is numb, shocked by the loss. The meal of consolation prepared by friends, is offered to the mourner, not only as a form of sustenance, but as a form of support and of shared misery. The foods eaten, such as hard boiled eggs, are symbolic reminders of the cycle of life, that we will continue and we will be strong.

During the first three days, the mourner is in an intense period of grief and need not respond to greetings from visitors. Visitors are encouraged to speak of the deceased or allow the mourner to do so throughout the entire Shiva period. During the last few days, the mourner may respond to greetings and may even extend good wishes to a visitor in regards to a happy occasion. This, again, is part of a psychological healing process, of working toward integrating into society as prescribed by Jewish tradition. It is an opportunity to express grief, to reminisce, to allow mourners to ease their burden. Shiva, then, escorts the bereaved from a state of shock to a point where he can begin to return to a somewhat normal routine, adjusting to his new environment.

Shiva is followed by Shloshim (30 days) and in the case of parental loss, an 11-month mourning period. These too, serve as periods of adjustment, of returning to normalcy, albeit different than it was before. It is during this period that the mourner begins to accomplish the fourth task of mourning, that of withdrawing emotional energy from the deceased and investing it in another relationship. For one should not forget the deceased, but rather put into perspective the roles they have filled and the importance they have placed in one's life. Their memory should serve to provide strength, and the memory of their love is forever carried in one's heart. Judaism provides an outlet for this as well. For as time progresses, it is marked by a special prayer, the Kaddish.

The Kaddish is first recited by the mourner at the graveside and continues thereafter to mark the anniversary of the death. It also is most appropriately recited on each of the three festivals and on Yom Kippur, times when a loved one is severely missed. The Kaddish performs an important function in the life of a mourner. It sparks something within, touching the spirit, helping to heal. For it is a declaration of faith, offering comfort throughout its positive messages.

It brings the mourner from the depths of despair to a place of life and hope. It is a prayer recited in public, among others who also may be mourning, again bringing support and fellowship to the bereaved. For the mourner, the days and months after death are a lonely time, full of feelings of isolation. The obligation to recite the Kaddish is therapeutic in its very being, form (sic) the meaning of its words to the purpose of its place of utterance.

The Jewish way of burial forces us through four important stages of mourning and healing. It is a process that faces the reality of life, that we are born and that we die. Judaism provides us with the tools to accept this. We care for our dead with great reverence, thus showing our awe and respect for God and for our fellow man. We live as a community, here to care for each other and offer our help in happy times and in sad times.

Jewish tradition permits us to grieve and provides a framework for mourning. But just as importantly, it provides the avenues for healing, for taking the steps to psychological well being after the horrendous, permanent setback of facing death.